A Tempting Thought

Everything happens for a reason, some will say. God, it can be a tempting thought, can it not?

Some terrible thing just comes from out of nowhere, rips you out of your current life and slams you into a new one where everything is recognizable but nothing is what it once was. Every context of every connection you remember is different to the point where you do wonder if this is really happening. Who you are is in question. Treasured hobbies and interests may seem superfluous and silly. That warm summer breeze may suddenly cut you to the bone. That place in the woods that used to give you peace may now be poisoned. That person who was so thoroughly embedded in your soul may now be gone. Even that house you own may not be a “safe place” anymore.

At least, that’s how it felt to me in the Summer of 2012, when, in a three week stretch, I was diagnosed with cancer and my youngest son died in a household accident. And with that came the following questions: How do you go on when nothing makes sense anymore? How should you look at it? How can your friends and loved ones help you? What should they say? What should they do?

This Didn’t Have to Happen for you to Grow

Tim Lawrence, an essayist and speaker on the subject of grief, takes on and takes apart one of the worst myths that grieving people have to deal with: That somehow, some way, this terrible awful thing is, as Lawrence puts it: “something that had to happen in order for (you) to grow.”

My wife, Sara, put it to me this way: “There is nothing good that can come of Aidan’s death. If that’s that what needed to happen for me to grow, then I don’t want to grow.”

Why, first of all, would anyone think that way? Why do we tend to think that everything visited on us — good and bad — must have purpose and reason?

One obvious reason is religion. This train of thought does reflect certain religious teachings. Plus, let’s face it, the God of the Old Testament tended to dole out favor and firestorm in equal doses, sometimes on a bet. Just ask Job. Christians, Jews, and Muslims believe that God rewards the good and punishes the wicked — in fact I bet you’d be hard-pressed to find any kind of religious or philosophical belief system where there isn’t some kind of reward and payback.

If we apply this thought process to tragedy, it can make sense and even, on a strange level, be comforting. Think about it: Something something just comes out of nowhere and shakes you and yours to the core and you’re left picking up the pieces of your life, desperately grasping for something, anything, to make some sense out of it all. You want to think there’s a reason for all of this: that is wasn’t some pointless tragedy visited upon you and yours by a chaotic and random world. You want to believe there is a reason, and that reason will only serve to make you stronger.

Dangerous Thoughts

These thoughts, in my opinion, are very dangerous. Not only do they assign meaning where there is none, they come dangerously close putting the full responsibility of whatever happened squarely on the shoulders of the victim; that it’s the victim’s responsibility to find the good in this horrible thing and when we find that “goodness” or “silver lining,” all will fall into place.

As anyone who’s experienced one or multiple tragedies in their lives will tell you: It doesn’t work like that. There was no reason for what happened to my family. There was no divine gift or payback. There was no point to it all and, contrary to what some may say, God does not “give you only what you can handle,” because God doesn’t work that way, at least not according to my Priest.

It’s also a harmful thought because now, not only are you saying this terrible thing is from God, you’re also calling it a gift. God gave you this, so you must deserve it or need it somehow. This line of thinking is nothing short of soul-destroying because there are people out there who believe that God, for whatever reason, is keeping a balance sheet on all of us and the accumulation and compound-interest of your multitude of minor (or major) league sins has somehow landed you in God’s debtor’s prison and now it’s time to pay up. It implies that you have brought ruin upon you and yours and if you had (or had not) done (or not done) a certain unidentifiable action (or inaction) you could have prevented all this from happening.

Silent Support

To be fair, I don’t think people say these things do so to marginalize or minimize anything. I think people try to do the best they can, but it’s not like there’s a rule-book for dealing with this sort of thing. People want to help. They want to be there for those they love. Maybe standing idly by and listening feels too passive and they have to do or say something.

And sometimes, many times in fact, some of the best ways to help merely comes from silent support.

Everything Doesn’t Happen for a Reason

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason